Unsolicited Advice For Celebrities

Oct 02 2007 Published by under Celebrities, Crime, Drinking, Friends, Pop Culture

My good friend Anne and I were having drinks with friends tonight and got into a discussion about the train wreck that is Britney Spears. Reports indicate Spears lost custody of her children after being caught driving without a valid California license (despite possibly being legally licensed in Louisiana). Apparently she had been told to get a California license since she’s been living there for years. She refused, then took the kids for a drive this weekend.

So Anne and I are talking and I mention the fact that I am considering a Britney related post. After begging me to leave the poor girl alone, I explained my perspective. This post is not going to add yet another voice to the chorus beating up on Britney. Instead, I’d like to take this opportunity to address the larger issue of celebrities and their poor hiring decisions.

Celebs generally hire personal assistants, publicists, makeup artists, stylists and countless other staff to make their life easier. The one position they all need to fill is “Driver”.

If you look at most of the problems celebs have had over the last year, it all comes down to one thing – they all involved celebs trying to drive themselves. Keifer, Nicole, Lindsay, Britney, Paris, Mel, etc. etc. All of them were driving themselves and should have had someone else do the job.

Had Mel had a driver, he wouldn’t be staring down the business end of anti-semitism charges. Had Paris called a car service, she would have avoided jail time. If Lindsay had someone waiting curbside, she could go on being a giant coke whore and nobody would care.

It’s not like limos are all that hard to come by in LA. It’s not like the expense is that great given these are people who spend $2,000 on ugly pants and huge sunglasses. It’s just amazing that the one thing that could keep them out of trouble is the one accessory they don’t have.

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O.J and Oh, Britney. The Week In Celebrity Shame

Sep 17 2007 Published by under Cable, Celebrities, Craziness, Crime, Miscellany, Music, Pop Culture, Pop Music, Programming, Rap/Hip-Hop Music, Self-Promotion, Sex, Society, Stuff That Sucks, Television

It’s been a bad week to be sick. With so much celebrity embarrassment on parade, not having the energy to trash them is really troubling.

Let’s set the wayback machine for the VMAs last week. This show had it all – award winners trashing the network that hosts the awards, has-been rockers duking it out over whored out former TV stars, single moms trying to whore themselves out (but nobody was buying), and militant rappers getting peeved that the awards weren’t rigged for them to win. Your entertainment dollar was simply not going to go farther than the 2007 VMAs

Britney was supposed to warm up the audience, but left everyone feeling cold. Blame it on the hair, the lip-synching, the magic act that wasn’t, the drinking, the allergic reaction to eye drops (what?), or any of another 100 oft-repeated excuses for the train wreck we witnessed, the sad reality is we want to see a nubile 20 year-old in skin tight leather dancing like a tramp or tongue kissing Madonna (actually, skip that last part). The fact is, Brit is now a single mom who, with every public appearance, reminds us of the line from Sweet Home Alabama.

Look at you! You have a baby! In a bar!

Here’s some advice Brit. Put on some clothes, write/sing a grown-up song, and stop trying to convince us that you’re the hot little vixen of Baby One More Time. That ship has sailed. You were used up by a douchebag, and the only guy that still wants you is this loser.

Next up… Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. Even with Britney and Kanye melting down at the VMAs, this is probably the most pathetic story of the night. These two guys get into a brawl over a woman who, by her own admission, paid off a poker debt with sex. Yup. That girl is a class act that is worth fighting for. Go get her, guys.

Speaking of Kanye, I don’t think I could sum this one up any better than Joel McHale (host of The Soup). After recapping Kanye’s choice words about his perceived snub at the hands of MTV, McHale said, “Geez. 50 Cent didn’t whine that much when he got shot.” True dat!

In our last glimpse backward at the VMAs, perhaps the one shining moment in the telecast came when Justin Timberlake (surrounded by the vapid cast of The Hills) excoriated MTV for filling its programming with non-stop reality TV and begged them to actually play music occasionally. It seems Timberlake may be one of the few people who owes his soul to MTV, and at the same time feels bad because he’s old enough to remember that MTV used to stand for Music Television.

Finally, back in the present, let’s dip into the overflowing cup of comedy gold that is O.J. Simpson. The same week that his book (If I Did It) comes out, and the world may read his claim that he’s not a criminal (at least not a murderous one), he gets arrested for storming into a sports memorabilia show with armed accomplices and trying to steal pieces of his life. It’s not clear whether he actually owns any of what he tried to steal. And it’s not clear if he was armed, but a tape of the incident clearly demonstrates his anger and rage as he barks out instructions that no one is to be allowed to leave.

Wow, O.J., armed robbery and taking hostages. That’s a hell of a good way to prove you’re not a killer. Maybe next time you could sacrifice a small puppy on national TV and tell people your killing is limited only to the animal kingdom. By the way, aren’t you supposed to be out there trying to catch the real killer?

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Thank God The Media Protects Me

Jan 04 2007 Published by under Craziness, Crime, Free Speech, Government, News Media, Television

I keep hearing reports on TV that the Saddam Hussein hanging video is so shocking they just won’t show it on TV. They’re clearly doing it to protect me from seeing the reality of the world. Heaven forbid that I would actually see the barbarism that takes place every day in America or the rest of the world.

The guy(s) that filmed the clip should clearly be arrested and charged with all manner of crimes for blatantly preventing the government of Iraq from censoring the hanging, right? I mean, geez… What would happen to the world if people could actually see what was going on… There’d be chaos, no doubt.

Is this the most ridiculous condescending attitude ever, or is it just me? I’m not sure who declared the media and the government as the arbiters of what we are allowed to see and hear, but I’d like to ask for a recall vote on that decision. If the media really knew what I wanted to see, they’d show nothing but public executions interspersed with Britney Spears crotch shots.

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Good News and Bad News

Nov 08 2006 Published by under Congress, Elections, Politics

Well, yesterday kind of sucked on some fronts, but totally rocked on another… Sure the GOP took an ass-whooping, but on the upside, Britney is back on the market. The irony? Everyone pretty much saw both events coming, but the major players were in denial right up to the end.

I’ve decried the GOP’s abandonment of the center-right voters for some time now, and it looks like at least one person agrees that is what brought us down. Unfortunately for me, it’s Ron Brownstein.

Social conservatives gleefully trumpeted the Administration efforts to advance the far right agenda while the libertarian wing of the party was shunned in favor of deficit spending and explosive growth of federal programs. That created a situation in which the moderate-right voters fled the party.

Hopefully this serves as a wake up call to the GOP and they will return to their pursuit of fiscal restraint.

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