#5 Drew Carey – One of America’s jolly fat men, Drew Carey had a huge smash with The Drew Carey Show, but like most got his start doing stand up.  While he sold out to take Bob Barker’s place hosting The Price is Right, he’s still funny.  If you don’t believe me, visit Showtime on Demand and watch the episode of The Green Room with Carey.

#4 Adam Sandler – America’s favorite egg-shaped head also leans right.  Like many Republicans in Hollywood, he’s not overt about the lean, but he’s still funny (Little Nicki aside).

#3 Owen Wilson – Wilson, like our number two funny man Vince Vaughn, is unquestionably funny.  If you don’t buy that, rent Wedding Crashers or Zoolander again.  Wilson and Vaughn reportedly crashed a Texas Young Republicans event while in DC filming Wedding Crashers.

#2 Vince Vaughn – Arguably, Vaughn should be number one on this list.  Most people would probably put him there.  While I have been a big Vaughn fan since Swingers came out, if we’re talking political humor, I have to give the top spot to someone who covers it a lot.

#1 Doug Stanhope -  Stanhope probably isn’t everybody’s first choice, but he’s definitely mine.  This riff on the pledge of allegiance is a classic example.  As he says, good products sell themselves… So here’s my argument for Doug.

Honorable Mentions:

• Robert Downey Jr. has said his personal challenges forced a change of political views and he’s now a Republican.
• Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy – I’m not a fan of redneck humor, but they make a lot of people laugh.
• The Rock – Tooth Fairy was unintentionally one of the funniest movies ever. (It still counts)

I could go on… John Ratzenberger, Larry Miller, Penn & Teller etc.

Olbermann hasn’t been funny since he left Sports Center, so I’m guessing he didn’t take his writers with him.  For him to make ridiculous blanket assertions is really kind of weak, as this list demonstrates.

Take, for instance, my recent retweet about a Bertolli’s ad campaign.  @LowbrowKate tweeted the following.

Marissa Tomei is WAY to good for this: http://intotheheartofitaly.yahoo.com/

I couldn’t agree more.  I have been a fan of Tomei since My Cousin Vinny.  She’s way to good an actress to be shilling frozen Italian food in webisode format.  But look at the rest of the cast and you will see the star of the short lived MTV Sports – none other than Mr. Dan Cortese.  So I added some commentary on my retweet.

RT @lowbrowkate: Marissa Tomei is WAY to good for this: http://bit.ly/aFCSJF | Dan Cortese makes sense, though. He needs the work.

Well last night I got a reply from Mr. Cortese (which has since been removed).  Here’s the screen grab from Tweetdeck.

I couldn’t help but have some fun with Cortese.  My reply back?

@dancortese1 No offense, dude. You were great in Veronica’s Closet.

Where else but social media can a two-bit political hack and a D-list TV star interact so freely?

God bless the Internet.

(For the record, I had to Google Cortese to find something he was in other than MTV Sports. I don’t recall ever having seen Veronica’s Closet.  He has apparently done more stuff recently.  Frankly I am jealous that he got to travel through Italy with Marisa Tomei.  Back in the early 90s, many a guy I know would have traded a left testicle for that opportunity.  Way to go, Dan!)

It may be interesting to draw that analogy out a bit further.  It occurs to me that your ISP (and most other companies, frankly) are very much like your significant other.  And on a certain level, that has serious implications for consumer satisfaction.

When you are dating, most of your friends will never hear about how great your bf is on a daily basis.  When he screw ups, however, you’ll tell all your friends.  You’ll tell just about anyone who asks.

That’s actually very similar to your ISP.  Typically, most ISPs have tremendously reliable service. When that service fails – on the voice, video, or data side – you’ll tell everyone.  If the repair guy is late or doesn’t show, you’ll tell everyone you were stood up.  If he tracks mud on the floor, you’ll tell everyone he was a slob.  If it isn’t resolved when he leaves, you will tell everyone he left you unsatisfied.

Since everyone has similar experiences, they’ll commiserate, tell you that guy is just no good for you, you deserve better, it’s just a shame that there are no decent guys is no competition in the ISP marketplace.

A week later when you are browsing freely, cuddled up watching TV, or talking to your mom back home, will you mention that they’re taking care of you today? Will you talk about all the great things they do for you? All the great places they take you?  Probably not.

Most of your friends will eventually grow to think your boyfriend is a big douche who’s always running around and never makes you happy.  How many of them have ever heard you say anything good about your ISP?

The fact is, like relationships, telecom can be messy.  You may not always get what you want.  You may feel you just can’t count on them.  You might think you’re putting a lot of yourself your money into the relationship, and they just take you for granted.

But like relationships, we’ll get through this together.  Let’s just get a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, browse the web, or just settle down to watch Sleepless in Seattle OnDemand.

You may have the flu if you have some or all of these symptoms:

• fever *
• cough
• sore throat
• runny or stuffy nose
• body aches
• headache
• chills
• fatigue
• sometimes diarrhea and vomiting

*It’s important to note that not everyone with flu will have a fever.

Very helpful. If you sometimes get fever, but not always, and you sometimes get diarrhea and vomiting, but not always, that leaves:

• cough
• sore throat
• runny or stuffy nose
• body aches
• headache
• chills
• fatigue

In other words, the Swine Flu could look just like any other non-specific illness. That’s not terribly helpful at all. Maybe the CDC should provide more of a narrative description:

On Day One, you will notice giant red spots on your forehead. Those will grow into huge sweaty red welts. The coughing will be uncontrollable, and you’ll wish you were dead. Then the real fun will start….

At least then I’d know what to look out for. Instead, I have non-specific symptoms and no real way of knowing whether I have the Swine Flu without a tedious trip to the doctor.

So I did a little digging and found some more useful information. I dug through blog post after blog post and compiled these actual, specific symptoms from first hand accounts. If you have any of these, seek medical attention immediately

Swine Flu Symptoms

• An urge to watch Babe and Charlotte’s Web over and over again.
• An overwhelming sense of cannibalism from eating bacon.
• Smelling like Des Moines, IA.
• Random snort and oinking sounds (separate and distinct from your normal Tourette’s).
• Developing a random stutter.
• Falling in love with frogs (or general inter-species romance).
• A tendency toward Stalinism.

So there you have it. An actual, helpful list of warning signs. Now you can consider yourself prepared.

P.S. (For those who missed them, the stutter joke is a reference to Porky Pig and the Stalinism crack is a reference to Animal Farm.)

Apologies to friends on Facebook and Twitter who have already seen a link to this. If you are reading this on Facebook, and can’t see/play the video, you can visit http://www.kungfuquip.com/surviving-the-zombie-apocalypse.