Ok, I was kidding about the rectum part. If you’ve seen Pulp Fiction, you know the story of the watch Christopher Walken smuggled in his anus. Well, not counting Walken’s ass vault, MSN has a list of 16 places where you should not put your stuff. Some of these actually confirm long running beliefs I have had.

For instance, I can fall asleep very easily (almost instantly). Mrs. Quip has trouble falling asleep. The difference? Apparently it’s her tendency to completely cover herself with blankets. I always keep my legs outside.

Being overheated can keep you from nodding off, researchers say: A natural nighttime drop in your core temperature triggers your body to get drowsy. To ease your way to sleep, help your body radiate heat from your hands and feet… Don socks to dilate the blood vessels in the extremities ‚Äî then take the socks off and let a foot stick out from under the blankets.

The article is actually full of a lot of good information. Want to avoid airsickness? Avoid the tail section and sit near the wing. Want to avoid germs in public bathrooms? Stay away from the center stall. Where’s the worst place to store medicine? The medicine cabinet where high, steamy temperatures can exceed your medication’s safe storage temp.

My personal favorite, though was this little statistic.

[S]wabs showed up to 10,000 bacteria per square inch on purse bottoms ‚Äî and a third of the bags tested positive for fecal bacteria! A woman’s carryall gets parked in some nasty spots: on the floor of the bus, beneath the restaurant table ‚Äî even on the floor of a public bathroom. Put your bag in a drawer or on a chair, Gerba says ‚Äî anywhere except where food is prepared or eaten. (emphasis mine)

That’s right. Your wife’s or girlfriend’s purse is likely trekking the poo right into your house and kitchen – and they say men are the unclean gender.

So earlier this morning I posted about selling Girl Scout cookies online when Baby Quip gets old enough to join the cookie mafia. Since then, I have been inundated with e-mails about the prohibition in place on online sales. From the Girl Scout Cookies website:

Q: Can I purchase Girl Scout Cookies online?

A: Girl Scouts of the USA does not allow online sales but its cookie site, GirlScoutCookies.org can help you locate cookie sales in your community. Simply visit GirlScoutCookies.org.

Q: How do you ensure the safety of Girl Scouts who sell cookies?

A: The safety and security of our members is always our chief concern. We have strict guidelines for safety. Girl Scouts, depending on their age, must be accompanied by an adult when selling Girl Scout cookies and always use the buddy system. Our youngest members, Daisy Girl Scouts, who are five and six—are not allowed to sell Girl Scout cookies under any circumstances.

Q: Why can’t Girl Scout Cookies be sold on the Internet?

A: Our existing National Girl Scout policy prohibits the sale of Girl Scout cookies or any other Girl Scout approved product on the Internet. The safety of our girls is always our chief concern. Even in supervised settings it is not possible to guarantee that the person purchasing Girl Scout Cookies harbors no harmful intent. Girl Scout Cookie Activities are designed to be face-to-face learning experiences for girls. In an online setting, there is no guarantee that the seller is indeed a girl member of Girl Scouts. We have many ways for girls to explore and experience the benefits of science and technology and the Internet, including our Girls Go Tech initiative.

Here is where the Girl Scout policy and my background in Internet technology crash into one another in an amazing explosion of outrage.

I find it absolutely amazing that the Girl Scouts are so adept at the Internet that they actually have www.GirlScoutCookies.org, yet they’re so clueless about the Internet that they would post something retarded like this.

Sales online is actually much, much safer than the process they have created. If I can take an order, accept payment, and ship said order without my daughter coming into contact with strangers, that’s the safest possible sales channel.

On the other hand, the Girl Scouts allow my daughter to go door-to-door. Well here’s my problem with that:

This is a map of the 142 convicted sexual predators in my zip code. That’s right! There are 142 people convicted of rape, crimes against children, sexual battery and other miscellaneous sex crimes in my neighborhood. The closest live within a couple of blocks.

Now, I recognize the Girl Scout policies say that kids always have to have a parent with them, and operate on the buddy system. However, as of 2000, the FBI’s National Crime Information Center reported 2,100 kids going missing every day. The number that actually stay missing is much, much smaller. However, the most likely candidate for abduction is an 11-year old with a stable family structure. So who sells Girl Scout cookies?

Q: Who can sell Girl Scout Cookies?

A: Only Brownie and Junior Girl Scouts and Girl Scouts 11-17 (emphasis mine) may sell Girl Scout Cookies. Participation in this Girl Scout program activity is voluntary.

Given that these girls are part of a sorority type organization that fosters a sense of community and civic involvement, I’m guessing they’re likely coming from homes with a stable family situation as well.

So that’s perfect. The Girl Scouts, in order to protect my 11-17 year old daughter will not allow her to sell cookies through the anonymity of the Internet, but will allow her to go door-to-door selling those same cookies to the 142 sexual predators who live near me.

Really solid thinking.

That’s unfortunately the kind of misguided thinking that most people who don’t spend much time online apply to the Internet. I’m seriously amazed at how stupid that is.

Sorry for the radio silence. A good friend is getting married in Florida next weekend and I have been busy with work and planning a bachelor party this weekend. I probably would not have written until next week, but I heard something on the radio that irked me.

If you know me, you will know I am a connoisseur of both advertising and pizza. The subject of my ire was a radio ad for Papa John’s, so it combined these two things I love. The ad in question was for Papa John’s new garlic breadsticks – which it advertised as “tearable and sharable”.

Keep in mind this is a radio ad, so it is not quite as easy for the ear to distinguish the difference between, for instance, “tearable” and “terrible”. When I heard the ad, it took a moment to figure out why Papa Johns would be advertising bread sticks as simultaneously atrocious and yet, something you should pass on to friends.

I had this vision in my head of the guy who takes a sip of a long stale beverage then turns to his friend to say, “Does this taste bad to you? To me, it is both terrible and sharable.”

I can’t imagine Papa Johns will run this ad for long. It can’t be easy to justify spending large dollars on an ad buy to tell people your product is terrible.