Michael Moore has penned a lengthy editorial for the LA Times that may be just about the dumbest thing I have ever read. It does, however, afford me an opportunity, for posterity, to make some predictions about the newly elected Democrat majority based on his pledge.

What I don’t want is for you to drop into the deep funk we liberals have been in for two-plus decades. Yes, your Republican revolution is over, but hang in there. And do not despair. I, and the millions who voted for Democrats, have no interest in revenge for the last 12 years. In fact, let me make 12 promises as to how we will treat you, the minority, in the coming years.

Thus, here is “A Liberal’s Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives”:

1) We will always respect you. We will never, ever, call you “unpatriotic” simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

They encourage such dissent as long as you agree with their conclusion, but differ on how to get there. As evidenced by a college professor calling students racist and comparing them to Hitler because they believe we need tougher immigration laws.

3) We will not spend your grandchildren’s money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It’s your checkbook too, and we will balance it for you.

Sure, because history has clearly demonstrated the fiscal restraint of the Democrats when they have majority status. After pronouncing all of Reagan’s budgets “Dead on Arrival”, the Democrats in Congress pushed through massive spending increases and then blamed the ensuing budget deficit on Reagan (who, last I recall, never cast a single vote in Congress between 1981 and 1988).

4) When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home too. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on some amateur Power Point presentation cooked up by men who have never been to war.

Instead, Democrats will engage in half-cocked attempts at social justice “nation-building” in places like Darfur, put a temporary end to violence until we take a few casualties, withdraw our troops at the first sign of impending violence, and create power vacuums all over the world where anti-American sentiment can fester among those who suffer at the hands of retaliation for America’s involvement.

5) When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you too will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that afflict you and your loved ones, we’ll make sure those advances are available to you and your family too.

Universal health care will, of course, guarantee that we have the same third-world health care system that every other nation has, you have to wait in line for days to see that doctor they’ve guaranteed you, and all of our drug companies will flee for a second-tier nation that is more interested in economic benefit than in socialized medicine. They will become the world leader in drug research and sell us back the medicines we should have developed here. That would include fetal stem cell research…

7) Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

Wow! That’s great. So in the event that 3,000 of my fellow Americans are killed, we’ll pursue the same pansy foreign policy that led to 3,000 being killed the last time and spend tens of millions of dollars to bring him to justice under a system that was unable to convict O.J. Simpson; let an admitted pedophile loose simply because they couldn’t convict him of killing a girl he never knew, met, or saw; runs rough-shod over a university lacrosse team based on the allegations of a woman, who by all accounts, is little more than a crack-whore; and yet finds time to persecute school districts for the heinous crime of including “under God” in the pledge of Allegiance.

We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business…

Unless of course you are in there smoking tobacco products… in which case it’s fuqing on… You’ll be ticketed, arrested and sent to tobacco re-education facilities for forced detox.

9) We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren’t much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, take up another sport. In the meantime, we will arm the deer to make it a fairer fight.

So we’ll object to the violation of your constitutional right to privacy and demand protections for terrorists planning to kill you, but not think twice about violating your constitutional right to bear arms.

12) We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and break the law. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side first.

Right after we make every attempt to promote the most corrupt amongst us to leadership positions in the House and successfully promote the most corrupt amongst us to the highest position in the Senate, right Mike?

In response to his generous pledge, I make one simple promise to Michael Moore. I will spend every waking moment of my life working to overturn the results of this election and to elect principled fiscal conservatives to Congress. Count on it.